I was told to find an Alpha Male, thus I did so…
The influence and power of the letter P.
A story of a private relationship that encouraged emotions; vulnerability, disengagement, loyalty, compromise and understanding mixed with shame, guilt, control and a masterful domination. These words hold so much weight, on my shoulders, heavy still, that even a few months of working through my past situation, still haunts my day to day. It’s not easy… to have held a person in such a bright light to realize that light was a mere flicker of a once full wick. One word, not mentioned above was Love.
Oh sweeties, I know that word, Love, might be a safe haven for a lot of you, filled with lovely memories and current fascinations that get your tummy in a rumble of nervousness and pleasurable excitement. But if you didn’t know, that word is also rather tricky. When love is present everything else does not exist. In my case, promises made don’t ensue because we just believe that the talks, plans and mentions will really come to fruition, we position ourselves to become a forever being in their lives, we live and breathe them as they, supposedly, do with us. There is a time when the honeymoon phase takes place, and indeed it does. Nothing else matters, we are so consumed by our loved beings that we relish in every circumstance, we devour every intimate situation, we live our lives to selflessly make their lives more important than ours. This is not something entirely bad, but you must understand that putting another before you is or can be detrimental, if not under the realization of the position you have with your significant other.
Let me show you, with words, how I’ve lived as an outsider in my relationship and just how that punishment broke me down to a polluted sense of self. I am already crying having to write this but since this is the new Live Journal, my personal life is more than entertainment but something so tangible, physically numbing, painfully true…Pause.
I really believed, in my soul, that this being was sent just for me, everything made sense; our meeting each other. I could have wrapped all my personal poverties and prerequisites into one single being and here he was confessing his pious, poetic and potential future with me across a smoke black glass table. What I didn’t see, until very late in our already heavily mind and body penetrating relationship, that persuasiveness was what I miss took as truth. All the right words, at the right times, without proceeding actions to make those words become a reality. He asked for patience, I gave it wholeheartedly.
Our partnership was doomed from the beginning, looking back, I was so captivated by all the lovely dialogue, that I could not see clearly. I knew my potential and the woman I was, nothing he had going on “extra” perturbed me, until they become an intrusion on what we were building. I allowed it, I was the fool, and I gave a promise of patience. Therefore I waited with a positive mind and a pretty face.
I became pregnant with great depression and anxiety to boot, knowing that “this” situation would be the biggest downfall of my thirty year old life. After a single aggressive yet exceptionally vulnerable talk, I knew it would be best for him in his present situation that we could not go through with it, and honestly he conveyed it as such. A week after the reality set in I didn’t have to go through with the decision, he did it for me. After a heated conversation of verbally annihilating me as a person, abusively, an insignificant issue lead to three plus hours of detrimentally destroying my psyche and physical wellness…a miscarriage presented itself. Two days of pain that pushed out a dead blob of bloodied mush into my toilet. A sad but significant reminder of when I could have left. But I cannot blame someone whom has no clue as to the falsified egotistical identity they hold for themselves.
Let’s be very clear, I was not perfect, I failed numerous times, I made mistakes, I chose to act out of character and put myself in a light that was not true to my pure being. I took the pain of failed actions, a mental head trauma, made strides to understand his reasoning and did what it took to prove myself. Only to find myself chasing my tail, over and over again, trying to receive praise from the man I took as the “one.” It was pitiful, I lost it all, my ability to see who I was because I was pushing to find myself through his eyes, to see what he seen of me. Pressuring my mental state to change something that was unnatural, a facade of who I was. I still have no clue as to why I allowed a mental fuck to happen, I blamed it on Love for so long, that I forgot the real definition of Love.
As years past by, with swift make ups and break ups, I lost sight of why I was being so patient. Why was I still present in his false protective lifestyle? Why did I choose to be this person with someone who constantly used clouded justification for his pacifying commutative assaults that perpetually ruined my self worth stating it was an example of unconditional love, to which I allowed passing it off as a reason to taking an alpha male into my life?
Love was present, real love, made its headway, after two years, not consistent but it was there. I am not talking hearts, love notes and a ring after a private sushi date…nah the man made changes, subtle, but that was a start. So I continued my patience pursuit.