I lived in silence for well over thirty years.
I could not scream loud enough for my ears to hear my needs.
It was last October that I decided to break my silence. I can tell you everything that led up to that specific moment that begged for attention to be paid to ME, but that will require more than one blog post to explain. What I will share, is what this last year of self discovery has taught me.
I was the type of person that put everyone’s needs before mine because I knew that I could help and handle whatever roadblock was being produced in another’s life. I, humanly, could not sit by and see another crashing into mental disruption or emotional torment. So I helped, always keeping in the back of head, “Treat others as you would want to be treated.” If I had my own problems or conflicts, I detoured in order to not deal with the immediate need to repair my path, I had become the fleshy blinking hazard lights on the side of the road. I wasn’t concerned about myself in the slightest. I had to sit down and write out my torment to feel comfort. Last year, I couldn’t take anymore of anyone’s problems. I couldn’t breathe. My body convulsed with the tinge of a negative thought; a red light, not having exact change, my new sneakers being too tight, not talking to my siblings everyday…everything was negative and supremely escalated within six years and growing anxiety, panic attacks and depression into a silent deadly monster. I began to behave unpleasant and unsafe rhetoric actions with others when I could not attend to their needs. It had come to the point that self harm and misunderstanding sprinkled with a few addictions and a shit load of pain was my go to when life became tough.
My book, Crashing Forward, was once titled, The Life of an Insignificant. This environment I had created, since a child, was now ever present on all avenues of my life. I allowed my life to turn into just a convenient phone call to help, create or even build another’s career. They were coming in all directions; of an acquaintance, a lover, committed relationships, friends and hurtfully family members. I began to start notating, while free-writing, the times someone asked for help or an ear and they could’ve, authentically, cared less about what was going on in my life. I did this. I never showed or gave examples on how to return love and productive support. I never taught them how I wanted or needed to be treated. Please, don’t get me wrong, I loved being able to be the problem solver, solution or confidant when another was in need. Shit, I was good at it. To see understanding, self esteem and self love build and flourish in someone else’s life was fulfilling. I began to think that all I was or had become was a personal therapist, but when I was in need no one knew how to comfort or create a safe environment with an unconditional helping hand for ME.
October 12th I screamed loud enough to vibrate the walls of my soul… I needed understanding. As I kept up with my flashing light routine, I yearned for a definition, an example, a reason why I had made other’s more important than myself. Why didn’t I gain reciprocation of emotional, mental and spiritual healthy support? Why did I need a stamp validating my worthiness of unconditional love? Why I have I grown so eager to anger and How come I do not know how to say No?
The first day I sat down with my therapist, no joke, i cried like a new born baby. Fresh out of the womb, weeping and trying to breathe. I will be sharing my story, a year’s time of discovery, leading supreme understanding of who I am and why I had created such an environment. Welcome to Discovery.